If You Want an Adventure, You Can Take the Ferry

When you think Brunei, what's the first thing that comes to mind? No, it's shouldn't be Dubai, though it sounds remarkably similar and both Dubai and Brunei made their bucks on oil. You think money, right? Lots of moolah.

It seems that Brunei doesn't have much of it anymore. The Sultan's brother, the finance minister, was like a kid in charge of a candy store. He went wild and spent billions on frivolous expenditures. Hotels in Beverly Hills, thousands of cars, airplanes, wives and dozens of kids. Worse, the Sultanate is embroiled in a meandering legal case to recover additional billions that just disappeared under little bro's watch. In sum, what we've seen of Brunei is a legacy of former grandeur that is crumbling from lack of upkeep. There are large empty concrete monoliths downtown that used to be office buildings but funds don't exist to tear them down their decrepitude. Jolly light strings line the streets and used to twinkle in all colors, but haven't had bulbs replaced in years. Floral sculptures are still beautiful, but only because they are durable metal. There's an artful sewer arrangement to channel the monsoon rains, but be careful because the grates are missing in some places.

Not that this disturbs the sultan's personal comfort, though apparently he is trying very hard to keep his country afloat, working high atop his palace in a golden dome for an office (as Adam says, "The Sultan has mad love for his peeps."). His house has 1700 rooms, a banquet hall for 10,000, a huge movie theater, polo grounds, his own royal boat jetty staffed 24/7, and 200 bathrooms. We walked around the grounds - no, not peering in his windows, but wandering past the high spiked fence patroled by many uniformed guards. The gardens are spectacular, but bring some binoculars. The sultan has marital difficulties that must keep him up at night, though, so all is not no liquor and fun fun fun. He has three wives, but only the first has her picture all over the Sultanate next to the Sultan's picture. He might have divorced the second, but nobody is quite sure. Where's the third, and does she wear less makeup than the first?

I had asked the fellow at our hotel desk how I might talk to the sultan. "We have some things in common," I told him. "My town is the size of his country. Also, we're the only American tourists we've seen and he might want to hear how we've been enjoying ourselves." The clerk got a good laugh out of it. The guard at the palace also thought it was funny. I asked him if the sultan was home and he said yes. I said, "Can I talk to him?" He looked incredulous, laughed, and then said, "No. You can only meet him during his annual open house after Ramadan ends." I said, "But I'm very friendly and I've come a long way to be here." The guard agreed that I was very friendly, but unfortunately the answer was still negatory. Oh well. Perhaps another time. Like after Ramadan.

We did other interesting activities instead. We walked around one of the traditional stilt villages in Bandar Seri Begwan, the main town in Brunei. You take a water taxi across the river to the villages, which are communities on stilts over water. They have stores, schools, even a fire station all elevated and connected by rickety walkways. Have a toddler learning to walk? Be careful! Our self-guided tour was accompanied by giggling children who survived precarious toddlerhood. They were all waving and yelling, "HI!! What's your name!" Many adults also came out of their houses to view our careful passage. I guess we stuck out in a neighborhood where you don't just know your neighbors, you know when they shower because you hear the water falling into the river and see the suds floating away. Most doors were wide open, even if nobody was home.

We toured the village on the way back from our rainforest tour to see Proboscis monkeys. They're the biggest monkeys in the world, so it wasn't hard to track them - their weight bends the branches severely. We saw small groups hanging out eating leaves and shoots (Eats, Shoots and Leaves - a reminder for watching those commas!!). The males have enormous red schnozzes and resemble Jimmy Durante or Winston Churchill in his later years. The bigger the honker, the more appealing they are to the ladies, which don't have outsized noses but sure want their offspring to be popular. We also saw long-tailed macaques, though we couldn't get close to them lest they add to their collection of tourist artifacts stored in the mangroves.

The mosques are the most spectacular landmarks in Brunei. The one right in town was awe-inspiring, but the one about 20 minutes away was even more splendid. Tiles from Morocco, marble from Italy, wood from Japan, fountains illuminated by colored water - no expense was spared. We donned our obligatory black robes, took off our shoes and wandered around the warm, expansive marble floors. When we accidentally entered a restricted zone, a kind employee showed us around on a more extensive tour than the public gets to see (I guess we look deserving). We saw the library, the events hall (for weddings and such) and a boardroom where they make important decisions. Then he gave us all nice plastic mugs with an islamic saying on them. Must get that translated in case it says something like "Death to the infidels."

We had no exit plan from Brunei bound for Kota Kinabalu, Sabah - a Malaysian state north of Brunei that is the gateway to wildlife trekking. A travel agent told us the planes were full, but "if you want to have an adventure, you can take the ferry." It's easy, she said, so simple I don't need to sell you a ticket, you just go to the terminal tomorrow morning for the 7:30, 8:30 or 9 a.m. ferry and buy tickets before boarding. We arrive at 8:10 to find that the 7:30 ferry has broken down, the 8:30 ferry is now sold out due to the cascade of people displaced by the 7:30 fiasco, and wouldn't you know it, there is no 9 a.m. ferry, even though the newspaper schedule said there was. With sharp elbows and two helpful Malaysians who spoke english and stuck up for us, we managed to secure 4 seats on a 30-seat ferry to Lawas, where we would board a bus to Kota Kinabalu.

We left at 10 after securing our luggage on top - we sure are happy it wasn't raining!! - then sped off for some coastal cruising before turning into one of the many twisting muddy rivers running through the countryside. It was a pretty thrilling ride once we turned inland - mountains, crocodiles, boats in the way, dubiously marked sandbars, will our luggage fall off, will we expire from the smell of gasoline? Perhaps the local populace along the river makes money off the bags they fish out of the water. We all arrived safely in the middle of nowhere, but as we debarked Adam's bag fell into the water when the boatman (the same guy who sold the tickets drove the boat and handled luggage) was unloading it. His bag has some bad karma - it also fell off the ramp when being loaded onto our last Air Asia flight. They might have left it there if I hadn't snagged a baggage guy and said, "that's our bag." Oh, and Ms. Kemery, so sorry, but The Life of Pi you lent Adam is a little damp. It will make a good story, though (besides the one contained within, which Adam liked very much). "It's a little wrinkled because it fell in a river in Borneo." Just ignore those who will say, sure it did. And I'm a monkey's uncle.

At the moment, we are on a gorgeous AC bus with satin blue curtains, slowly making our way to Kota Kinabalu. Nobody has asked for our tickets ever during the entire sojourn - maybe only chumps actually pay. No pigs on top or chickens on board, but we stop to chat with people, pick up, drop off about every 20 feet. Need a ripe melon for dinner? Let's stop and get one! Didn't find a fruut you like at the stop 20 feet ago? No problem! Let's inspect this next merchant's wares! It's probably only 20 miles to KK, but it will take 3 hours. But at least we're getting there today to relax at our nice resort, bargained down successfully to less than half the price they wanted (Nexus Resort, for those who would like to see it online. Laura thinks it sounds like a gas station name, but the website makes it look pretty luxurious). Undoubtedly the bathroom attendant in Lawas helped our luck today. She who asked us, "Are you christian?" Then she asked, "are you protestant?" When I said yes, she said, "Me too!! For 10 years!" On our way out, she smiled beatifically and said, "God bless you."

Next post: stay tuned for a comparison between American and Malaysian long-distance bus service!